Reminiscence Of The Past, Not really...

There's nothing better like the past i might say.

Because the present is just so dark and bleak. My past life is better, although it was tough too but i still can take it. Not like now, where I am so weak and confuse in all the situation that i having right now. People might think that I'm calm and OK. But inside, I'm rather like a beast trying to get out of the cage of sorrow, despair, confuse and anger. Sometimes i feel like beating someone half to death when some just tick me off. But i cant, because I always think of the consequences that might happen if i do something stupid. I'm just lost, confused and hopeless. I'm low on morale, i feel like doing nothing the whole day. no work, no eat, no computer etc. Just lay on bed and act like I'm dead.

Sigh...

Why am i so depress? because i felt like i got no hope anymore. No chance in life, no chance to do something good. I felt like i cant do anything right anymore. The person that i thought is very strong emotionally is now on his knees. seeing him like this makes me lose hope of everything. I nearly lose hope on God. I used to cry allot when I'm too stressed out, coz i cant vent my anger anywhere and the only way is to shed tears. but now, i cant cry anymore, either im used to stressed now or i jus dun have any emotion left (Except for anger).

Sigh...

The past are really better than now. coz at that moment of time i was happy. i got a nice paying job, i got a loving girlfriend (Who what she say that i never care for her), got a quite a happy family. Now, i feel lonely. Although i got 8 family members living in my house (Which im about to lose also) i feel empty inside. i just dont know how to express myself toward others, even to my then GF. I just keep quiet. i just write to make myself feel better. And now when they all gone, i feel that i should talk to them rather then keep myself at bay frm them. Now i have regret it. But who cares? No one cares about how i feel. No one ever ask me what's goin on wif mylife (Except for My babe and Zhi). i just dont like this feeling of emptiness in me.

Sigh...

Lately my chest have been acting up strangely. It gives me alot of chest pain (Damn you cigarettes!). My hands are shaking so badly sometimes, its beyond control. My head, with more constant migrant acting up. My neck, my knees all acting up, my muscle twitch alot showing signs of over stress. Seems like my body cant take more of this stress. JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY PLEASE! Right now, my best friend is my cigarettes ^^. It keeps me company, makes my problem go away temporarily and it slowly killing me. Just what i need.

Anyway, i gotta go and sleep. it's already damn late and the chest pain that i hv right now is unbearable. i need meds!

So... see ya guys and hope you enjoy reading bout my suffering ^o^.
~Have a great day ahead.